Well hello, I see you have found my blog which means you are most likely an anxiety club card holder too. Welcome! This blog is to help support you through my own anxiety journey in a way that offers hope and humor. Anxiety is lame. I know this, you know this. Let’s get through it together, eh?
My Anxiety Story ( In a very brief nutshell):
As a child I was a bit of an alarmist. The world was always ending and terror was always around the corner. I was sensitive and absorbed disaster like a sponge. It didn’t really disable me; it was just more of a dramatic view of the world I suppose. To exemplify this there is a colorful story of me around age 10 wearing a bike helmet in the house for a week because I saw on the news that there may be a meteor shower. I always kept my eye on the emergency exits in places at a tender age when these things should not be on your mind. I was “special” to say the least!
When I was 18 a lot of change came, parents divorce, graduating high school, college, moving out, the selling of my childhood home. It all was disrupting the routines, the sense of security I have known for years. I began having panic attacks and intense de-personalization. It never really got treated. I took meds for a week, felt like a zombie, ditched them and just kind of walked through those years in a dream. Eventually time and focus on school and new boyfriends and a new found devotion to some form of god and the universe turned me around. And then something happened after that time, I came into a profound sense of peace. I can’t explain why, or how. I wasn’t actively searching or doing anything special. I just remember being really mentally strong. It kicked ass!
Flash forward five years after that, out of nowhere, driving home from my moms, BOOM INTENSE panic. Nothing like the panic attacks of my post- high school phase. This was much more physical. Because I said this would be brief and it is not, I won’t go into the specifics of what was happening around that time but to me it felt out of nowhere but in reality I can see how it was building. This took me into a two year descend into pure darkness and fear. Holy fear Batman! Holy ” Am I going to feel like this forever” fear. The kind that gets you fired from work because you can’t show up and when you do you can’t focus. The kind that makes you sleep on the couch of any friend or family member that will have you so you don’t have to be alone with your thoughts. I did the whole, why is this happening thing. The going to every doctor, getting every test. Reading every book, meditation, yoga, massages, Xanax, exercise, breathing, etc. etc. but my thoughts were going so fast it seemed impossible to catch them.
I slowly rose out of it. With therapy, a little bit of Zoloft, good friends and family, an interest in Buddhism, having 30 second dance parties even when I felt crappy, watching the Big Bang Theory, reading inspiring blogs, going out when I just wanted to stay in, so many little things. Little things must have added up because man when I felt good I thought “How in the world did I ever feel like that? Surely that was not me!”
Now I have relapsed here and there and I cannot say I feel as great as I did when I had that “that wasn’t me” thought but I will say that I handle it so much differently now. I am so much more aware and in tune with it. I can still have bad days and not freak out and go to work and perform like a normal human being and not a monkey mind maniac. So I still have anxiety and I may be a lifer but it does not control me like it once had. I learned to take its power away.
The reason for this blog is because during that time I was reading a lot of heavy, dark and hopeless sounding forums and posts about anxiety and although it is helpful to see that others suffer like you, it left me feeling more hopeless and I don’t want this blog to be that. I want to be light and humorous because anxiety is a big ol’ jackass so let’s make fun of it. Seriously!
Also I realize now that was not brief. Ooops!