Today I am having a day. I did not sleep well last night and being tired and not well rested is an anxiety trigger for me. My defenses get low; I don’t feel mentally strong to implement my anxiety fighting tools and tricks I have gained over time. I feel defenseless and usually my first thought is to turn my car around, go home and ride it out under the comfort of my blankets. History has proven that this tactic actually makes things worse because then what happens is I feel bad about myself for having to do that. I worry about missing work. I then think “I can’t just stay home every time I feel anxious.” Trust me I did that once, went home every time, and it did me no good. In fact it made the anxiety stronger as I let it win.
So the other option is to ride it out. Feel uncomfortable and remind myself that I most likely will not feel this way tomorrow because I did not feel it the day before or the day before that. And if I do feel this way tomorrow it is okay too, because I know I can get through it. Is it uncomfortable, oh yes. But it is not forever. I think what use to keep me in a bad cycle is that when I felt this way I assumed I would feel this way tomorrow and the next day and the next day and forever! I would be essentially making a date with anxiety telling myself I would feel it tomorrow. And then of course I did, because I was telling myself I would. One of my favorite songs is by an artist named Brett Dennen. The song is called “Darlin Do Not Fear.” And one of the lyrics says “ Darlin do not fear, what you don’t really know.” And I repeat that to myself often. I do not know what tomorrow will bring or how I will feel so why should I fear it right now, in the present moment.
So today although I feel “squirmy” with anxiety and fatigued I can only think about today and how to power through and do the best I can. Like the quote in the title says, not every day is good but there is something good in every day and you can focus on that or you can focus on why it is not good. So today I decided to focus on other things. I wrote in my gratitude journal, forcing me to find the good in today. I made a massage appointment for later and I will make sure to meditate when I get home. It doesn’t mean I am not still anxious as hell but I am deciding to let it be. Let the feelings run through me and don’t fight them, judge them or try hard to combat them. Let it be for today and hopefully with a little rest tonight, tomorrow will be better.