So I started Music Monday to share songs I find to empower me when driving because my panic usually happens in the car, on the highway. Something I have to do everyday for 40 minutes to get to work. Yikes, tricky tricky.
However this edition of Music Monday will not feature music. Because sometimes music does not cut it for me to be honest. Lately I have taken up a new defense mechanism against wandering thoughts and anxious feelings I experience on the road. When it comes to entertainment in regards to tv and books I always gravitate towards uplifting and growth inducing. I love Oprah’s OWN Network with shows like Super Soul Sunday and Lifeclass, where well-known spiritual and thought leaders appear. However with no time to ever actually watch these shows with work and a baby and social obligations, it has been some time since I have seen an episode.
And then I realized that YouTube is a wonderous and resourceful site to find clips or past episodes, sometimes in full. And since I have a YouTube app on my phone and my phone can be plugged into my car, you see where I am going here. And the beauty is, these shows don’t require to watch anything since they are interviews, you just need to listen.
So I have made a YouTube playlist that expands past just interviews with some of my favorite spiritual and motivational speakers on Oprah’s channel. I have some Tony Robbins in there, some guy named Geert in Brussels who is a regular guy who beat anxiety and now has his own little method and tips for dealing, I have some TED Talks on there. So I get in the car, select my playlist and let it play through. Before I know it, I am at work and the time seemed to fly which is what I really need when driving!
To me this is the equivalent of what some people may get out of going to church in the morning, or praying. To fill my mind with such inspiration and motivation and positivity before I even officially start my day has given me a little extra pep in my step. I am the midst of what I know is a passing funk so I can use all the extra pep I can find. And right now I find it on YouTube.
A blizzard is on its way where I live and it is reminding me of a great lesson a past blizzard had taught me. There are opportunities for lessons everywhere, even in the weather. It goes like this…
There was a time when I could not be alone. My anxiety and panic was new, and it was terrifying and I required a constant rotation of friends and family by my side forcing me to avoid my scary thoughts and feelings and use them as false sense of security. I was unable to feel safe by myself. I feared my thoughts would put me over the edge, that I would go crazy, and I needed someone always. I was single at the time living alone so this meant spending a lot of time crashing on the couches of others. The nights I did have to spend home were torture. The funny part is, this couch hopping actually made me feel worse because I would tell myself that this would make me feel better and naturally it didnt. They couldnt jump in my head and untangle the mess of thoughts and they could not go in and soothe my frazzled nerves. So it actually frustrated me because deep down I knew I had to learn to be my own safe harbor. I knew that nothing anybody could say or do or how many people I surrounded myself with could fix my panic and anxiety disorder. The only thing it did bring me was a tiny sliver of peace knowing if I went crazy someone was there to make sure it didnt get out of hand.
And then a blizzard was coming. A state of emergency, snowed in for days, stock up on essentials, better get a good shovel and snow boots, hell of a storm. I knew I would have to be alone. I had to do this and what better way then when you cannot leave and nobody can get to you. It was exposure therapy at its finest. I could in theory go be snowed in at someone else’s house but I decided that this had to be done. I told myself that if it broke me, if I went into a crazy anxiety panic downward spiral from it then at least I tried. I faced the fear of being alone with my thoughts and unpleasant feelings.
And something miraculous happened. When I did not have the option to run, when I did not have the option of calling someone over, or getting in my car to go somewhere I was forced to deal. And I had zero anxiety or panic the entire three days. I mean ZERO. In fact it was a turning point for me. Those three days restored my confidence in myself and my strength and let me know I can overcome this, I can learn to deal. I am stronger than I think. Facing the fear shed light on it, it was not so scary. Having the options in the past made it easy for me to crumble and cave. Having no choice was like a switch in my brain went off.
When the snow outside started to melt, slowly so did my symptoms. Facing a fear head on and the regaining of confidence from doing so is a powerful thing. I diminished it to nothing just by facing it. That was the end of running to other people’s house. I slowly started not getting anxious on my drive home from work knowing all the co-workers and conversation and busyness of the day would be gone and it would just be me. I didn’t fear weekends without plans, or weekends with plans. It really was the start of the healing. And that little bit of confidence gave me the strength back I needed to do other things to help the healing process that I was too burned out in the anxiety cycle to focus on prior.
Is there something in your life you are avoiding or running from that you can attempt to face? Think about it, even if it is small it is worth a try. You may relapse at times ( I did at certain points) but to less severity and still with the knowledge that I have and can get past it with real life proof of that.
Happy Monday! So I have decided to start something new called “Music Mondays”. What does that have to do with anxiety? Everything! At least for me it does.
I would estimate that 80% of my anxiety attacks and panic happen when I am in the car, alone. I would estimate that 5% of my anxiety happens prior to driving when anticipating an upcoming drive. Let’s say 2% is residual anxiety that last all day after having anxiety and panic attack in the car that day, the lingering effect. That leaves only 13% that is not car and driving related. So having the right tunes in the car for both distraction, and sometimes motivation and strength is very crucial to my anxiety disorder. It is important that I am equipped with the right playlist. So every Monday I will share one song from my “Anxiety Fighting” playlist. I will tell you why it helps me and maybe just maybe it can help you.
I will kick off the very first one with “Age of Worry” by John Mayer. This song sings like an anthem. It is meant to be sung out loud, on the top of your lungs, victoriously as the chorus insists. Knowing a lot about John from a minor (sometimes major) obsession, I know he suffers from anxiety so this song rings a bit more authentic to me knowing that. Sometimes I hear songs that may sound like the person is speaking about anxiety and such but not really knowing their background can make you question their authority. It is easy for anyone to sing “Don’t worry be happy” if they have never suffered.
So some lyrics:
“Alive in the age of worry
Rage in the age of worry
Sing out in the age of worry
And say, “Worry, why should I care?”
But for this one, for me, it is more than the lyrics. It is the chanting way in which he delivers them. Pretty much telling worry to F’ off, and I can appreciate that!
Something about telling worry off helps minimize the anxiety and panic and helps take a bit of control back. (At least for the 3 minutes or so, while the song last)
Happy Monday and Happy Listening
“I miss the days my mind would just rest quiet
My imagination hadn’t turned on me yet
I used to let my words wax poetic
But it melted a puddle at my feet now
It is a calcifying crime, it’s tragic
I’ve turned to petrified past life baggage
I want to disappear and just start over
So here we are
And I’ll breathe again…
Cause I have sent for a warrior
From on my knees, make me a Hercules
I was meant to be a warrior please
Make me a Hercules” – Hercules, Sara Bareilles
I am having an off morning. One filled with sleep deprivation, foggy mind and anxious thoughts about future things that may not happen. I feel like a table with a wobbly leg, or an umbrella on an extremely windy day. I need to be stabilized; I need to get back to sturdy. For times like these I tell myself to “Sturdy Yourself”. Now if only it was as easy as just telling myself to “Sturdy Yourself” but that is just not going to be enough. So what do I do, I sturdy myself with an action plan.
Sturdy Yourself in Facts
The first thing I do is anchor myself in facts.
Fact # 1 – I did not sleep good last night
Fact # 2 – I have not been drinking enough water, dehydration can make the brain not as sharp.
Fact # 3 – I have a lot on my plate, it is okay to feel anxious and a little stress, it is within reason.
Laying out the facts gives you a better view of the landscape of your mind at this time. It is easy to get caught up in “Why am I feeling this way, why can’t I just feel good.” Work through it, pinpoint why you may be feeling this way. Be your own therapist. Dig a little. But don’t over analyze. Let the facts be the facts. With facts you can feel less overwhelmed.
Sturdy Yourself with Breath
I am known to hold my breath or not take proper inhale/exhales. I believe that not breathing correctly keeps feelings trapped. So I let bad thoughts and feelings out through my breath. I visualize them leaving me with every exhale and good thoughts and positive sunshine coming in with the inhale.
Sturdy Yourself with Mind Games
I made up a game called “Let’s see how far you can go.” game. When I am anxious before work or anytime I need to go somewhere I use this game to help propel me forward. It is just what it says. I see how far I can get through the day. I start with the drive. Let’s see if I can drive to work. If I feel like turning around, keep going. Let’s see if I can make it there. Once there I say, let’s see if we can try to start the day feeling like this. Then let’s see if we can go another hour, and it continues until most of the times the anxiety subsides and the game fades.
Sturdy Yourself in Song
The lyrics from the song in the beginning of this post is one of the songs on my “Sturdy Yourself” playlist. Mine is at least 100 songs long but I will give you a little taste of some of the songs on there. Maybe some will help you. I suggest you make yourself a playlist!
Age of Worry – John Mayer
Brave – Sara Bareilles
Living in the Moment – Jason Mraz
Think Good Thoughts – Colbie Caillat
Marchin On – One Republic
Darlin Do not Fear – Brett Dennen
Every Storm Runs out of Rain – Gary Allan
Life Happens – Brandon and Leah
This is just a small sampling, I have 100’s. Maybe I will post the entire list one day!
Sturdy yourself in Gratitude
I have a gratitude journal app on my phone that makes it super simple to write down the things you are grateful for. Focusing on the positive in your life is a no brainer as to why it would help eliminate negative thoughts. By taking five minutes to write down all the things you are grateful for today, you are forcing your mind down a positive path.
Sturdy Yourself with Universal Love
One of the best things I have ever signed up for is daily Notes From the Universe. A mantra I constantly repeat when things in my head or life gets crazy is “The Universe loves and supports me.” By believing that and truly accepting it, you are trusting in the Universe that it supports you no matter what and the right thing will always be done. I believe that anxiety at the heart and center of it is fear. Fear is based on not trusting and the unknown. Trust the unknown, and the Universe and know that you are part of the Universe just like every other living organism. We are one. The world is not out to get you, the Universe will support you if you trust it. I suggest you sign up for these emails. They are quite beautiful and poignant. Sign up here: Notes From the Universe
Sturdy Yourself with Positive Quotes
I have a sheet full of positive quotes or passages in books that have really helped me. I keep them altogether on one sheet, in my purse for easy access. I refer back to them whenever I need a lift. A good resource is Tiny Buddha
These are just a few of my “Sturdy Yourself” action plan items. Put together your own plan, use my ideas, use ideas that have worked for you in the past and develop your own plan of attack. We all get a little unstable sometimes but it does not mean you cannot be fixed. A wobbly leg table can be fixed so can you! This morning I was thinking of how I use to be and I would immediately turn around and go home and how weak and worse that made me. I felt bad about myself for not being able to “Sturdy Myself” and how small and hopeless I felt. I know it does not have to be like that. Like I have said time and time, anxiety is a muscle that needs to be worked out to become stronger. Every day that I sturdy myself some more, it is making me stronger. The alternative, succumbing to it all and crawling into a ball is not something I want to do again so like the song in the beginning says, I am ready to be a Hercules.